I Love You This Much
Sean Stubblefield - February 4, 2005

February 14. A holy day. Valentine’s Day! Joooy! Aren’t you excited?! Of course you are. It’s expected of you. This is the oh-so-happy day set aside when we (are supposed to) officially acknowledge, express and celebrate the love we have for our significant others. Only one of four dedicated opportunities available to heterosexual men each year to demonstrate their love for their woman, and to secure her love (and good graces).

The other three explicit times would be Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries.

Valentine's Day is a valuable chance in which he may prove how much he loves her, since we are all materialist consumers, with our true worth defined by how much disposable cash we have. What good to a woman is a man who can’t or won’t spend lots of money on her? I mean, really.

Like children, women want someone — hopefully, a big, strong, handsome and wealthy man - to provide for and take care of them. Women — being such delicate creatures - are, after all, useless and insecure without the support of men to validate them.

And similarly, men — being such simple beasts - are deficient and insubstantial without the affections of a woman. If a guy doesn’t have a woman of his own, then something is apparently wrong with him. After all, we have stereotypes and misconceptions to maintain people! So it is absolutely imperative that a man purchase a present (preferably expensive) for the woman he loves, and who loves him, in order for him to do his part to sustain and encourage their relationship. Traditional social conventions demand it. And so she demands it. He’s obligated, no exceptions, no excuses.

This offering is a matter of love. It’s never a means of procuring sexual favors or acceptance. Any sex occurring in connection to this event is just a coincidental bonus. If you don’t buy her something on this particular day of all days then you do not actually love her. That much is obvious.

Something is better than nothing. And expensive is better than cheap. Because it is on this particular day when showing our love means and counts the most. And what better way to illustrate this point than by spending obscene amounts of money to appease — er, please her? The more you love her, the more money you will spend for her gratification. And you will do so gladly, because you love her and she loves you. What other reason could there possibly be?

Doesn’t matter if you can’t, or shouldn’t afford it. Money is no object when it comes to the one you love most.

Nevermind the kitschy things like candy, cards, flowers and stuffed animals. They’re OK as appetizers or garnish, but women are really impressed by the big stuff. Grand gestures are called for. Men, be bold! Go for the gold! Or diamonds, yeah, those are nice, too. Mmm, shiny.

But, make no mistake, she will not be denied her tribute. Pity the abnormal ones, who are single - especially if they don’t mind being alone - and cannot participate in this joyous experience, but shun them. Mock them, for they are different and strange.

If you are one of the lucky guys who isn't a loser, who is not somehow defective, and actually does possess a mate for whom you may buy a gift, then this is a special and important occasion indeed.

Take heed and advantage of this precious moment. Men, you have the huge responsibility of a non-trivial task before you. Your duty as a man (of any value), is to furnish her with exquisite treasures this day (if you know what’s good for you).

If you truly value her, and the relationship, then you guys better not neglect or dismiss it, as that would imply you neglect and dismiss her. So what about all the other pleasant and well meaning things you might do for her at other times?!

None of that matters. What is most relevant now is what spectacular treats and goodies you dole out to her this one day. Everyone knows that if men really love their wifes or girlfriends, these men certainly must buy them expensive jewelry of diamonds, silver and gold as evidence. So it locally follows that if he does buy these things for her, then he must love her very much.

How much is your love worth? What is she worth to you? It’s go time! Do you buy her love? Or not?

Everyone, as they say, has a price they are willing to be bought with. You don’t want to disappoint her. Hell, no! That way madness lies. Show. Her. The money!!!

If men genuinely cared, they would buy their women sparkling and shiny bits of rock and metal to adorn themselves with. And everyone knows that if the men are foolish or careless enough to not purchase these desired tokens to be delivered at the appointed time, then such men are surely terrible mates and should be ashamed and chastised, if not abandoned. We know this is true for the television tells us so. It’s the message in the commercials advertising the "really purty" jewelry.

The security and stability of your relationship is at stake here, man! This is serious business. This is no time to be worrying about dignity or honesty or rationality. Emotion isn’t rational. Damn the consequences! Do you love her? I mean really love her? You do love her, right? So prove it. Buy her something pretty. Or else. Dude. If you really loved her, you would.

Note: This commentary is satire and is, therefore, sarcastic.